ISSUE 08-21

First in a series!
PRETENTIOUS ROCK STAR POSES #1


Hello! We are U2, you might have heard of us, since we're only the greatest rock band of all time! Are we buggin' ya? We don't mean to bug ya! Between tours, we like to assume intimidating postures on the roofs of tall buildings. But we're getting older now, so we had to carry Bono back to the elevator, because his knees tend to lock up when it gets humid, right? Give him credit though, even in considerable pain, he still had the presence of mind to shout "Fook the revolution!!!" while admonishing the G8 leaders for their shameful handling of the Third World's debt crisis. Bit of a multi-tasker, our Bono...


There will be peace in our time!
PICKETS PROGRESS…

Work on the fence nears completion.

Todd “I will do all the work myself… you’re going to help me, aren’t you?” Judgmentalson has done what I must admit is a passably competent job on a project that turned out to be far easier than it looked.

Mrs. J (we’ve taken to calling her “Bitchelle”, and we should feel bad about it, but…) has spent time outside (!) helping her husband (!!) build the fence. I told Mrs. Joey that it’s a good thing we’re not helping to build this fence. It has forced the J's to work as a team, and I believe it is saving their marriage.

Now, I don’t even know that there’s anything wrong with their marriage in the first place, aside from wondering how these two people could have ever ended up together, creating this super-vortex of self-absorption and passive-aggressive toxicity. But you’ve got to figure that between Todd’s reluctant sperm, and Bitchelle’s scorching hellhole of a uterus, it must be hard for them to know who can be blamed for this failure to reproduce.

But I think we know something now – fences heal all wounds. Maybe Todd’s boys will venture a little further up the canal this time, and maybe Bitchelle will turn down the flame on her lava pit.
Or maybe they will carry on alone, angry, and as always – judgmental. I’m going with that.


The Bad Idea Bears say "a scalding hot uterus is
an empty uterus! Turn that thing down!"

*

OF AUGERS AND HEMLOCK…

In our last conversation with the J’s, approximately two weeks ago, Todd and I had a failure to communicate…

TODD: Hey Randy, I need you to go to Home Depot and rent a power auger.
JOEY: Excuse me Todd? Did you say you need me to put poison in your wife’s coffee?
TODD: No… I said I need you to go to Home Depot and rent a power auger. And it’s Chris, not Todd.
JOEY: I know Todd, I know. But don’t you think asking me to poison your wife’s coffee is seeking an awful lot from someone you barely know?
TODD: Really, I just need you to rent…
JOEY: Now, I know and you know that no jury in the world would convict either one of us, but I just don’t have it in me to end another life. I mean, Hitler was nearly as evil as your wife, and I still don’t think I could have killed him, you know?
TODD: Auger, I said auger…
JOEY: So to clarify, I’m saying no, and while I will not go on the record advising you to put poison in your wife’s coffee, neither will I go on the record advising you not to put poison in your wife’s coffee. You hear what I’m sayin’, Todd?
TODD: (sigh) I guess I’ll rent the auger myself, then…
JOEY: Atta boy, Todd! Atta boy!


Ceiling Cat will not not tell you to put poison in your wife's coffee...

*

"OLD" HANDSOME...

I made the mistake of playing High School Musical: The Multimedia Trivia Game, Winnable Only By Girls Under The Age Of 13 with Li’l Joey back in the summer.

It was a slaughter, mainly because I have seen half of one scene of the movie when I passed by the TV to get a beer. Li’l Joey has seen it 51 times, if you only count the viewings at our house.

Part of setting up the game involves choosing a character from the movie to represent yourself. Li’L Joey provided me with three male characters to choose from. I asked her to pick the one that looked most like me. There was an awkward silence, and then with a pained expression on her face, she said:

“Sorry Dad, none of them look like you. These are handsome teenage boys!”

True! But… ouch! Do I tell her that one of these boys has an eating disorder? That another one is a cross-dresser? And the other one has a variation of OCD that compels him to shoplift laxatives from mom-and-pop pharmacies?

Luckily, Li’l Joey let me down easy by telling me I was the “old” type of handsome. Well done.


Compulsive laxative stealer

*

This is the part where I overtly trivialize women
MELISSA GILBERT’S SURGICALLY-AUGMENTED RACK PREDICTS THE CANADIAN ELECTION RESULT…


PC: 151
LIB: 78
BQ: 55
NDP: 18
IND: 2
GREEN: 1

There you have it, in Week One of the campaign, Melissa Gilbert’s Surgically-Augmented Rack projects another PC minority government, albeit (like her rack) larger than last time! Will this prediction hold up as well as Melissa Gilbert’s Surgically-Augmented Rack? Stay tuned!

*

This is the part where I show someone else overtly trivializing women…
IT’S A PISTOL-PACKIN’ HOCKEY MOM! IT’S A LAPSED SECESSIONIST! IT’S… SARAH PALIN’S ACTION FIGURE!



*

And finally!!!
THIS PICTURE BEGS FOR A CAPTION…